Inside my Head
Will this feeling ever go away?

Will this feeling ever go away?

Fuck…

I hate the lack of self control I have over myself….. fuck…

Damn it…

Feel like I’m back at square one again…

Self loathing - my least favorite way to pass the work day…

V_V

This… 100%

This… 100%

My Birthday

My birthday is in 6 days and I’m not even excited about it….

Feb. 6th

Today just hasn’t been my day… I’m literally fucking up everything I’m doing… My mind is not here at all. It’s almost like I’m detached from everything around me, if that even makes sense. Like I’m here, but I’m not HERE. I don’t know…. I’m starting to lose control.

So much has been on my mind these past few days and I feel like everything is getting worse. I’m a worthless person that everyone would be better off without. I feel like I don’t even need to be here anymore…

Food

I think I need to just go back to counting calories instead of trying to keep a 2:1 ratio of protein to carbs… It was so much easier to just keep track of and limit my calories rather than trying to eat lots of protein and less carbohydrates all while trying to keep my calorie intake under a certain number. The increased protein hasn’t really done anything for me in correlation to running and working out. (And I feel like I’m getting fat… regardless of what the scale is telling me)

Up and Down…

That’s how it’s been lately… As soon as things start feeling like they are getting better, I get pushed back to square one and everything is all of a sudden falling apart. Maybe I’m just a weak person who can’t handle things mentally… I have mastered the art of putting on my “I’m Okay” mask, but on the inside I’m spiraling down.

I guess I should update anyone who actually follows me about what’s been going on lately. None of you really know anything about me or what I do or what really goes on. I’ll start with the past 3-4 months. I somehow got talked into doing a half marathon in March and have been training for the past 7 weeks for it. Running was something I’d always wanted to get into, and now I am. I find it to be a great outlet for me and allows me to get my mind off of all the bad. I look forward to the days I run. I want to be able to continue to push myself further and maybe someday do a full marathon!

My in-laws are having marriage issues… They are considering divorce, and it is tearing the family apart. I had always looked at them as a model couple to what I wanted my relationship to be like with my husband, unlike the relationship my parents have… My husband is so hurt by all that is going on, and I am too. I really hope they find a way to fix everything and continue to grow as a couple. I feel like a big part of it is my mother-in-law going through a mid-life crisis. She denies that to be the reason behind it all, but everyone feels like it is exactly what is going on. Idk… It just sucks…

My depression has been up and down, up and down… I haven’t cut in a while, but I feel like it’s probably going to happen soon. I need a release… Running has definitely been helping, but it hasn’t completely taken the place of whatever void I have. My husband was so pissed at me last night and basically blamed me for all the communication issues we have and said that I’ve failed in areas of our relationship. It hurt me so bad to hear all of this come out of his mouth. I laid in bed crying, listening to him corner me and badger me and rip me apart. I feel like he would be better off without me…  I’m sure he’d be much happier. I almost want to just disappear completely and never be seen again.

On a lighter note, we might get a puppy! I’ve been wanting another dog for a looooong time, and my husband is finally considering us getting another one. I think it’s pretty much been decided that we will! I’m so excited!

Anywho, this is enough for now… I feel like I’m taking up too much room for something that isn’t even important. Sorry for such a long post.

Sorry for not posting in a while…

I’m not sure what time my mother in law is dropping the little one off. I just got home from work. I have the biggest urge to cut soooooo bad… its been off and on for the past couple weeks but today, I feel, is going to be the day that I give in…. I might just wait till she drops him off, so I’m not doing it as they walk through the door…

So much has been going on… I’ll have to just type up a post about everything and maybe it will help me clear my mind and get you guys updated, if it even matter to you… uuuggghhhhhh… I just want to curl up in a ball and become invisable.

Basically…

Basically…